Lost all hope
by wingweever
Summary: While in high school, Sora finds himself undergoing a mental transformation. When he tells Riku of what is going on, he is abandoned. Sora, unable to cope, falls into an institution. evanescence Songfics , different every chapter AU, OOC, hints of lime
1. Going under

_**Going Under **_

He growled as he walked down the hallway, tears fresh in his eyes….another time…always the same lies. The same hurt. No more.

"Hiya Sora!"

Kairi's smile was not contangious, but when she saw the face of Sora, her heart dropped.

Sora glared darkly at his red-haired friend.

"sora…again?

"Shine* I hope he just dies."

She looked down, she knew what happened…this always happened. She watched Sora stalk into the boys room and heard a stall slam from outside. She turned to see Riku ….and couldn't repress her anger.

Riku walked down the hallway, his shoes squeaking on the tiled floors, an obliviously happy smile. She stormed over to him.

"Oh, hey Kairi."

She slapped him hard across the cheek, leaving a stunned Riku and a crowded hallway watching them.

"You…You..MAN WHORE!!!!! Was Sora just another toy to you!? Someone for you to play with like a marionette!?"

Kairi walked in the opposite direction. Riku sighed and walked to the bathroom that he saw Sora go into. He knew the situation.

Sora sat in the dirty stall, tears streaming down his round face. A few trickles of red blood running down his pale skin, and the dirtied blade sat at his feet. His upper arm was covered with wounds, injuries as old as he could remember, now looked like he had been run over with a lawn mower. Cut after cut, few bleeding.

Suddenly there was a knock on the bathroom stall. He looked up, and saw his bloody mess on the floor.

"Sora?"

It was riku.

"w…what?"

he managed to sniffle out.

"I'm sorry I hurt you…"

Sora looked down in disgust.

"Yeah right….."

"No….I'm really sorry…I didn't mean to…"

"Shut up…just shut up and go away….."

_**Now I will tell you what I've done for you  
50 thousand tears I've cried  
Screaming deceiving and bleeding for you  
And you still won't hear me**_

A deep sigh came from the boy on the other side, as he slowly left. Tears dripped down onto his fresh wounds and he winced. He buried his face in his hands as he broke down, his sobs shaking his small body.

_**Don't want your hand this time I'll save myself  
Maybe I'll wake up for once  
Not tormented daily defeated by you  
Just when I thought I'd reached the bottom  
I'm dying again**_

Sora sat in the nurse's office, his arm being bandaged by Kairi. She let out a deep sigh as she finished up. She looked up at Sora, who was fiddling around with his gold switchblade.

"Sora…you promised..." "I know……." "Then why?" "Because…." "Sora….." He turned to look at his red headed friend, tears filling his eyes. She hugged him tightly. "Kairi…..I don't know how much more of this I can take…" "Just hold out for me….please…." "I'll try…."

___**I'm going under  
Drowning in you, I'm falling forever  
I've got to break through, I'm going under **_

Kairi sighed, and the last bell rang. Flocks of students ran to their lockers, noise filling the halls, as everyone headed out of the large high-school. Sora stood up, concentrating on the feeling of his black clothes ruffling as he walked out the door, listening to his chains clinking against each other, and feeling his spiked wristbands and choker, which were made much more dull(Kairi's work of course).

He walked out solemnly, black hood over his face, into the blinding light of the outside world. He let out a sigh as the crowds of people starred at him, but he kept walking, his head low. He heard a few comments, ones that usually felt like a dagger piercing the skin. But their comments couldn't hurt him anymore…..he was numb.

_**Blurring and stirring the truth and the lies  
So I don't know what's real and what's not  
Always confusing the thoughts in my head  
So I can't trust myself anymore  
I'm dying again**_

He looked back as he felt a small hand on his shoulder. Kairi smiled one of her worried smiles at him.

"Don't worry Kairi…."

"Sora…."

"Do you want to come over?"

Kairi smiled.

"Sure…"

Sora gave the only smiles he had smiled in the past 3 years, the one that dripped with loneliness and yet happiness.

As they walked up the steps to Sora's house, Kairi looked on in amazement. She was always amazed at his house. It was an old house, covered in vines that snaked over everything, and it was much larger than the other houses in the area, something you would see in some weird horror. Bushes covered the grass in front of the iron gates, filled with deep red roses, which always made Kairi wince...the color of blood. He had at least 3 stories in his house, and what seemed to be endless rooms. Some of the top windows had stained glass. Around the back was a large swimming pool, and a forest as far as the eyes could see. Sora lived a mile away from the school, but his house was like a paradise.

They walked up the few wooden steps to get to the large oak door. As they both walked in from the heat outside, to be refreshed by a cool air that ran through the house.

The inside was like a castle. They walked across the marble floor, to the grand staircase. They ascended to the third floor, on the way passing his parents in their library, and after a short greeting, entered his room. It wasn't how you would expect. There were no bloody knives everywhere, or emo band posters, or dark creepy things everywhere. No…there were dark red and black curtains, black drapes over his bed, and his walls were a deep red color. But other than that, everything was neat; there was a large stereo by his bed, pictures on his wall of friends, and a few candles. Nothing was scary or creepy…Sora wasn't strange, just a little dark. He understood the darkness of the world, and that his darkness was balanced out completely by Kairi's light, or that is something Sora used to describe the 'natural balance' as he called it.

_**I'm going under  
Drowning in you, I'm falling forever  
I've got to break through, I'm going under**_

Sora plopped on his bed.

"Sora, you wanna talk about it?"

He grabbed a remote on his bed stand and put on some indie rock band.

"Not really…"

Kairi sat next to him, and laid a small hand on his arm.

"I am here for you, you know? Just tell me if you wanna talk."

"Well…Kairi…lately actually, I have been having this problem."

Kairi scooted back against the wall, he hands on her knees.

"Yeah?"

"Promise not to tell anyone?"  
"Promise."

"I have been…seeing things lately…at night. I keep seeing Riku at the edge of my bed…yelling at me…I don't know what to do. He seemed so real. I told Riku…but he called me crazy and said we should 'see other people', which is the reason for today…I'm sorry about that Kairi…"

"Don't worry…but that is weird, maybe you're just stressed out."

Sora sighed.

"Kairi will you spend the night?"

"Sure."

Sora smiled, a truly grateful smile.

Later that night

Sora lay on his bed, Kairi curled up on a blow up mattress next to him, soundly sleeping. Sora stared at the end of his bed, waiting. His alarm flashed twelve, and on time, riku came.

"Hello Sora…Been lonely without me?"

"Only a little…Why do you come?"

Riku crawled onto the bed and rest himself on Sora's hips, and the pressure was real.

"To see you of course."

"Why me?"

"You need me."

Riku leaned down and began kissing at Sora's neck and all Sora could do was freeze.

_**So go on and scream  
Scream at me, I'm so far away  
I won't be broken again  
I've got to breathe, I can't keep going under**_

He shoved Riku off quickly.

"LEAVE ME! DON'T TOUCH ME!"

Kairi bolted up and ran to him, grabbing his shoulders.

"Sora, relax it's a dream, no one is here."

But he was, Riku WAS…and he was laughing there at the end of the bed.

"Don't laugh at me you son of a bitch! Do you have any idea what you do to me? Do you even care about me?"

"Sora, Sora, I care about you…listen to me. No one is laughing at you."

Sora reached up and grabbed at Riku, his hands clutching his neck, but the screaming in his ears wasn't Riku's. He came back into realization as Riku disappeared, replaced by Kairi. He jumped back, in time to see her fall to the floor and see his mother scream in the doorway, the phone in his father's hand.

Tears streamed down his face.

"I'm so sorry Kairi."

_**I'm dying again, I'm going under  
Drowning in you, I'm falling forever  
I've got to break through, I'm going under  
Going under, I'm going under**_

Shine(shin as in your shin and e as in a short E sounding like an A almost) is the Japanese term for "die"


	2. Haunted

_**Haunted**_

Sora sat in the small plastic white room. Wearing nothing but a pair of white slacks. He let out a sigh and heard a buzzing sound.

"Sora…do you think you can handle visitors?"

"yes…"

"There is a girl here to see you.."

Sora jumped up and ran to the now opening door. He hugged kairi tightly as she stepped through the open open door.

"I've missed you to Sora…."

"Kairi…I am so glad to see you…."

_No you aren't……you hate her……stop lying!_

"SHUT UP! LEAVE ME ALONE!" He yelled and dropped to the floor. Kairi ran and sat next to him, her hand on his shoulder.

"It's ok Sora….it's ok…"

Tears streamed down Sora's face, she helped him up and led him to the bed. He leaned against the wall, with a small window and bars on it.

"how long?"

"How long what?"

"How long have I been here?"

" About 2 years Sora….."

"Does…."

He looked down and sighed, and that voice came back.

_Don't ask it…you know he doesn't…..you know I don't…..I don't miss you…..not in the least…you were nothing to me…why don't you just die Sora…._

He covered his ears, feeling Kairi's hand on his shoulder.

"Sora….."

Sora began crying again.

"He wont stop…..make him go away……"

The buzz came again.

"Ms. Kairi, I'm afraid visiting hours are over. I will have to ask you to leave."

Kairi turned to Sora.

"Sora…I have to go…..I'll be back…"

As Kairi stood, Sora grabbed her hand. He smiled back.

"I'm sorry Sora"

She left. That voice came back.

_Now Sora….you didn't think she could stay with you did you? Did you think she actually wanted to come here? She wants to forget all about you…she hates you……her parents just make her come here…._

"It's not true…..your a liar."

_What proof do you have? She didn't stay now did she…..she made you come here…it's all her fault….she hates you._

"NO! she doesn't…she is my best friend….go away."

Riku appeared in front of Sora. (Me: no everyone this isn't the REAL Riku…..I know most of you will think that, and I didn't want to confuse you.)

_Do you really want me gone?_

Riku now hugged Sora, even though his arms went through Sora's body.

"leave me alone…."

_But why? You love me…..you cant live without me….why don't you die…you cant have me….I left you went to punch him, but his hand went through him, Riku grinned, and disappeared._

**_Long lost words whisper slowly to me  
Still can't find what keeps me here  
When all this time I've been so hollow inside  
I know you're still there_**

The buzz came again, and Sora looked up at the opening door with red, tear-filled eyes.

"Aw is something wrong dear?"

It was Margaret. She was large, black, and was the only one, besides Kairi, who believed what he said. She helped keep Sora slightly sane by reading his Tarot, or playing a game or two with him. She always smiled at him, and hugged him.

She pulled him up and gave him a warming hug.

"Now Sora…it's time for your medicine. And its cold put a shirt on child."

Sora gave her one of his goofy grins, and grabbed his shirt off of the small bed, throwing it over his head. He reached a hand out, grabbing the water and the little pill. Downing the water and the pill.

"Do you want some company?"

"Sure…."

"Has he been here?"

Sora looked over at her, then down, nodding ever so slightly.

"Look child, send him away. You tell him that if he is gonna keep bothering you, you aren't going to listen."

Sora smiled, she always could do that. She knew he couldn't do that. She sat on a chair next to his bed, pulling over a table, placing her tarot cards down on it. She motioned him over, and he sat in front of the table on his bed. He grabbed the deck, shuffling it, then gave it back to her. As he handed it to her though, a card fell onto the floor, face down.

"Well pick it up. That card has something important to tell you."

As Sora picked up the card, he felt cold. Turning it over, he saw the One of Swords. Margaret gasped and Sora dropped the card.

"That is a bad sign…a bad sign."

She grabbed the card, placing it with the pile, putting it back in her box, picking up the box and walking out the door. She locked it behind her.

**_Watching me wanting me  
I can feel you pull me down  
Fearing you loving you  
I won't let you pull me down_**

Sora sat n shock. He didn't know what it meant.

_Aww……you wanna know what it means Sora?_

"If you REALLY want to tell me….i know you had something to do with it."

_Well that hurt……_

Sora heard the mock in his voice.

_It means, dear Sora, that I control you. I could kill you in a instance. _

He felt cold, and his world went dark.

_I could get into your mind, into your soul…..into your existence……_

"Get out of my head…."

_Oh, but it is so fun in here……_

"GET OUT!"

Sora's world turned back to normal and he saw Riku, floating right in front of him.

_Well now Sora…what an unkind host._

"shut up."

_She isn't coming back…..Kairi isn't coming back you know either._

"Yes she is…"

_You can say it all you want…but you know that she isn't….you know……you know Riku never loved you……You know I never loved you…you know that Margaret never even liked you……everyone hates you…they all left you…they aren't coming for you…_

"Your lying"

_Now what would lying do for me?_

Sora's eyes went wide, he was right. Where would that get him. He looked down, a tear slipping form his face.

_That's right Sora…they aren't coming for you…they never are…they never loved you…no one could love you._

Sora felt the cold slip away, and he curled into a ball around his pillow. Burying his face in the pillow, he cried until he fell to sleep.

As Sora opened his eyes, there was Riku, playing with Sora's not so spiky hair. (Me: That's right; he doesn't have his power thingy so he can't do the gravity spell in reverse. And in a mental hospital they don't give you hair gel, but it still ahs a little natural spike, it's just a little less spiky.) His hands just wandering through it, though it only moved as if it was being blown by the wind. It was cold.

**_Hunting you I can smell you - alive  
Your heart pounding in my head_**

_Sleep well? _

Sora didn't answer.

_I didn't think so……I've seen inside your dreams…Why don't you just die? It would make the pain go away…_

"I can't…..they might come for me."

_You know they aren't coming for you._

The buzz came, and the door was opened by Namine. (Me: I probably spelled her name wrong.)

"Well good morning Sora. How are you this morning?"

Sora looked up at her, only blinking. He never talked to anyone but Kairi and Margaret, no one else…..except the one that never visits.

"Well come on….you have a special visitor today…He asked for you to meet him out here. Do you want to?"

Sora stood up. He began thinking. A special visitor? A Man…..maybe his dad, he always asked to see him out of his room.

_It isn't…..he came to tell you he hates you….he loathes you….he hates your very existence…_

_**Watching me wanting me  
I can feel you pull me down  
Saving me raping me  
Watching me**_


	3. My Last Breath

_**My Last Breath**_

Sora stood frozen at the figure there.

Riku. (Me: Yes this one is the REAL Riku…but when I underline something he says. that is the FAKE Riku talking...ok? That is just so I don't confuse you)

"Hi Sora….."

Sora didn't move. Sora couldn't. His mouth wouldn't move to form the words he so wanted to say. Sora just stood there, letting a single tear slip from his eyes.

"What are you crying for? There is no reason to cry…."

"Wh..."

"I came To tell you how much I hate you……"

Sora gasped.

"What?"

"I said I hate you Sora…your worthless….you mean nothing to me….maybe you should just die….."

Sora's mouth was agape. His left hand reaching out to the figure that now walked closer to him. The figure took his hand, and smiled maliciously.

"I waited so long to tell you how much I hate you…..I waited until I knew you were suffering……until I knew you were at the edge."

He felt himself being pulled into a warm embrace, and that voice was in his ear.

"why don't you just die…..doesn't it hurt to be here?"

**_Hold on to me love  
You know I can't stay long  
All I wanted to say was I love you and I'm not afraid  
Can you hear me?  
Can you feel me in your arms?_**

Sora pulled away, and with tears blinding his eyes, he made a dash for it, running back to the room that held him enclosed…that kept him away from the pain….or so he thought.

Riku stood oblivious to what had just happened. Namine stood, a few tears running down her face as she chased after Sora, Margaret watching on in pitiful eyes.

"What did I say?"

Riku had turned to Margaret, who only shook her head.

"You had better go to him……"

Riku nodded, heading off in the directions of his cell.

3 security guards hauled Sora into his room, holding him steady on his bed as he struggled against them. A shot being placed into his upper thigh as he squirmed. He whimpered and relaxed after the shot. A few stray tears rolled from his eyes as he saw Namine, looking at him. And next to her…was Riku.

**_Holding my last breath  
Safe inside myself  
Are all my thoughts of you  
Sweet raptured light it ends here tonight_**

Sora closed his eyes, tears flooding from his eyes.

Riku stood, watching the now sleeping Sora.

"Can I please stay with him?"

"Sorry sir, we don't allow…."

"Please…..let me stay with him…."

He looked into Namine's eyes, pleading…..She sighed and nodded, and he smiled.

He sat on the bed next to Sora, brushing loose hair from his tear stained cheeks. Riku smiled, not knowing what had gone on within the head and in the heart of his pained Itooshi Riku just watched the way he breathed….not completely understanding any of this. Why did Sora run away? Why was Sora here? Why had Sora done what he did? Nothing made sense to him.

Namine walked into the room.

"Excuse me sir, but I'm afraid I'll have to ask you to leave now."

Riku nodded, walking out of the room….and Sora's face began to turn from innocence to horror.

_Wake up now…_

Sora opened an eye.

_That's right…..it's me…I told he hated you……he despised you…_

"Where is he?"

_Gone Sora….as you should be….you heard him….just die already……he hates you, and you know Kairi feels the same way. Nobody likes you, everyone hates you. _

"Your right….."

_Of course I am……why would I lie to you?_

Sora shook his head.

Riku smiled, and disappeared into the dark shadows. Suddenly all you saw was a cold breath on the glass window. The door unlocked and opened slowly. Sora nodded, got up and looked out.

With a cold chill running up his spine, he made his way out of the room. Walking down the dark hallway, he noticed that as he walked, a cold chill went up the glass windows and doors of the other cells. He looked down and stared at the large door I front of him. With the same cold wind, he opened it and looked out. He made a quick dash out into the next hallway, looking around the corner to see Namine.

_**I'll miss the winter  
A world of fragile things  
Look for me in the white forest  
Hiding in a hollow tree (come find me)  
I know you hear me  
I can taste it in your tears**_

He took off in other direction, toward the medical examination and medical emergency rooms. As he looked into the small windows on the doors, that cold breath returned. With a clack, the doors opened. Sora walked in…..and saw all the tools set up on a medical table. He walked over, looking at all the tools, running his hand over every part of them. He felt the cold breath again, a large needle rising slightly off the table, and Sora wrapped his now bloody hands over it.

The needle was filled with something now, and he saw the bottle sitting on the table. He looked down reading the label.

_Arsenic. _

He heard the cold voice whisper to him. He nodded, hiding it in his shirt, then running back to his room.

Sora lay, the small needle lay inside his shirt, with a covering.

_Why don't you just do it now?_

"I want one more chance with Riku."

_Why? What has he left to say? _

"Nothing…but I want to see him once more."

_There is no point! He does not love you!_

_**Holding my last breath  
Safe inside myself  
Are all my thoughts of you?  
Sweet raptured light it ends here tonight**_

Sora looked down.

"I don't care…"

The same buzzing entered into the room.

"Hi Sora, you have 2 visitors today."

Sora cocked his head as the door opened and Both Riku and Kairi stepped through. He looked away as Riku smiled at him.

"How are you today Sora?" Asked Kairi.

Sora stayed quiet, his eyes kept on his scared hands. Kairi looked down and saw them.

"Oh my gosh Sora, what happened?"

Sora shook his head.

Riku sat next to Sora. Sora looked at him, tears welling in his eyes. Riku placed a hand on his shoulder, but Sora flinched away.

"Sora….i…." Riku managed to say.

"Riku, I will let you have your time alone…."

Kairi walked out, as Riku nodded a 'thank you' to her.

Sora stared at the glass doors, only to see a slight breath on the glass.

"Sora….you know…yesterday…I meant everything I said…."

Sora sniffled, a single tear streaming down his face.

"If you don't feel the same way about me…I'll understand….I mean after-all you are a big baby….and you are so gullible…."

Riku stood, and walked out of the room momentarily to talk with Namine.

Suddenly the door slammed and locked behind Riku. Riku jumped, turning back to see Sora, still sitting on his bed. Namine frantically ran the card through the reader to unlock the door, but it was futile.

**_Closing your eyes to disappear  
You pray your dreams will leave you here  
But still you wake and know the truth  
No one's there_**

Sora pulled the needle out of his shirt. With one last smile at Riku, Sora drug the needle down his arm, leaving a bloody trail.

"SORA!" Riku screamed.

Namine had called over some others to try and get the door open, but it wouldn't budge. Riku banged on the window.

Sora only gave them one last mournful smile. Then he pushed the needle into his neck, injecting the arsenic. Then he pulled it out when it was completely empty. He lifted up his pant leg and began to write, making sure that he pushed deep enough to have blood flowing down his legs like a thick red river.

"SORA STOP PLEASE!"

"Yeah Sora! STOP IT!" Kairi was now at the door as well.

Suddenly his eyes felt warm as what seemed to be tears ran down his face. But as he looked at himself in the glass window, he saw that these painful tears were red. As blood tears continued streaming from his face, he dropped the needle, bending over to hold onto his gut.

"it…..hurts….."

_Well of course……_

Sora picked up the needle and continued writing in his leg, until he dropped it. Blood began trickling from his mouth, as more poured from his eyes. His fingertips began to feel as if they were being burned away by acid, and they began to bleed. He gave a small, fearful scream.

Then he fell on the ground. His body went limp, and the door opened. Riku dashed inside to take hold of his young love.

"Sora please don't die…..please….."

"I'm sorry"

Sora was only whispering.

"Sora…please….i love you Sora…"

"I know…..he may have tried to hide it from me all along…..but he couldn't hide it forever…."

Tears began streaming down Riku's face.

"Sora…."

"I love you to Riku, more than anything in this world or any other….."

"Please don't leave me…."

"I'll never leave you……"

_**Say goodnight  
Don't be afraid  
Calling me calling me as you fade to black**_

On that last word, Sora's breath stopped, and with a gasps, he went limp.

"NO! SORA!"

Riku held Sora's body close to him. Tears streaming from his eyes.

_Shit……he really….died……_

Riku(the fake one) disappeared into oblivion.

"You ok Riku?"

Riku looked down at the tall grave marker in front of him, and he smiled. Nothing but the best for his love. He traced his fingers over the angels and hearts on it.

"Riku?"

Riku looked up at Kairi and nodded.

"Fine."

As they turned to leave he saw something, and he smiled.

A shimmer of crystalline blue eyes…..and white wings.

Itooshi (etoshi) is the Japanese word for beloved.


End file.
